I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
