So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She's just so happy...and so naked.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
