I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
