all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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