Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize