I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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