like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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