Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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