I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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