I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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