i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
