my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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