Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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