You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
