I'm gonna have a badass scar
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
