textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
