He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
