i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
