The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
