She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I love you.
Bad choice
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
