I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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