Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
