she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
