Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
