After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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