I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You work out of a Hotel?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
