it wasn't lemon gatorade
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
