Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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