Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
