I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
