chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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