i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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