I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
