I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize