I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
