remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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