Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i love accidental penises.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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