I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
