she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
