All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
