we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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