So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
