Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
