I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
