if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
