I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
