Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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