I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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