i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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