Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize