I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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