I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
