I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
