This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Boobs are out for the taking
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
