My friends, they love my intelligence
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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