I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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