Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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