Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
