The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
