Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
