I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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