i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
