advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
