I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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