I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Randomize
