So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
