I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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