So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
