Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
