so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
