I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
