Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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